correction

An earlier version of this column misstated that Tom Stuker sells or trades frequent-flier miles. He redeems them through United Airlines. The column has been updated.

So you’re going to fly this summer? Europe, maybe? And you’re dreading flying the way cats hate baths?

Well, you need to talk to the man who’s flown more miles than any human being in history — 23 million so far, or 22 million more than Apollo 11.

His name is Tom Stuker — a 69-year-old New Jersey car dealership consultant — and he’s the biggest mistake United Airlines ever made.

In 1990, United offered a lifetime pass for $290,000. Stuker jumped on it and has pretty much lived in seat 1B — his favorite — ever since. He once went 12 straight days without sleeping in a bed. Just kept jetting from Newark to San Francisco to Bangkok to Dubai and back again, the equivalent of four trips around the world, leaving the sky only for the airport lounge.

Why? Duh. For the miles. “Best investment of my life,” Stuker says. He realized that frequent-flier miles aren’t just valuable for booking more flights. Once you get them, they can be redeemed through the airline, and Stuker has lived like a sultan on United miles ever since — lavish hotel suites all over the world, weeks-long Crystal cruises, gourmet meals from Perth to Paris.

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He says he even parlayed the miles into enough gift cards to redo his brother’s house. The miles maestro once cashed $50,000 worth of Walmart gift cards in a single day. United quit offering the passes a long time ago, so don’t get any ideas.

The man who’s flown ‘more miles than any human’ answers travel questions

Get this — years ago he won a charity auction by bidding 451,000 miles to be on a “Seinfeld” episode. (The one where George’s fiancée dies from licking envelopes. Stuker’s in the diner.)

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He has seen more than 100 countries. He figures that he and his very happy wife have been on more than 120 honeymoons. He has played United like three-card monte, and there’s been nothing they can do to stop him.

But it’s the weirdest thing. Sometimes hostages love their captors, and United loves their loss leader. Over the years, the airline has put his name on not one but two planes. Thomas R. Stuker, Customer. They let him help design the menu at their new Polaris clubs. He says that when he has a tight connection, there’s a Mercedes waiting on the tarmac to whoosh him to the next gate.

Any airline ever do that for you?

I flew with him from Newark to Los Angeles once just to see it all for myself. Tom Stuker doesn’t do airlines like you and I do airlines. When he calls the 800 number, they go, “Mr. Stuker? Is that you?” Ropes come down, doors fly open and free champagne bottles end up in his bag. You know how the gold-diamond-platinum-level-customers-way-better-than-you board planes first? Tom Stuker has already been sitting in 1B and eating nuts from little porcelain cups for 10 minutes before they even get called.

He has taken thousands and thousands of United flights, so I just had to ask …

Anybody ever die up there with you?

“Four,” Stuker says.

“Yeah, four. All heart attacks. I’d met a couple of them, too. Just died right in their seats. The last guy was up in business with me, Chicago to Narita [Tokyo]. They covered him with a blanket and put the seat belt back on. What else could they do? I guarantee somebody in business was thinking, ‘Hey, if he’s not gonna eat his chocolate sundae, would you mind … ?”

So what advice does the Very Frequent Flier have for you this summer?

  • Lie to the first flight attendant you meet inside the door when you board. “She’s the head attendant. I always say, ‘I remember you! You gave us such great service last time. I wanted to thank you again.’ Even if I’ve never met her. I guarantee she’ll bring you all kinds of free stuff.”
  • If you couldn’t book the seat you wanted, keep your phone open on the seat map app as you board. If a blocked seat that you wanted opens up, just take it. “They won’t care,” he says. “They never sold it.”
  • Never check a bag. Never, ever, never. And under-pack. “Every town has laundromats. And stores.”
  • Don’t be a jerk and use your cell without headphones. That way, people won’t hate you. “Whenever somebody takes a long business call on speaker, I always say, ‘Hey, next time you’re going to have all of us to your business meeting, bring doughnuts.’”

    • Tom Stuker, a 69-year-old consultant from New Jersey, holds the title of the world's most frequent flyer. Here are his top travel tips on what not to do. (Video: Shih-Wei Chou/The Washington Post)

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    My best travel advice? Get to know Tom Stuker. He has miles coming out of his attic windows, and he loves to upgrade his friends. Plus, Stuker’s miles will get you to No. 1 on any United upgrade list from today until the day he drops dead, hopefully not until after the sundae.

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